Mental barf (or freewrite)

It's an unfamiliar feeling, hitting, going into me,
I'm reeling,
knocked off balance by what I didn't expect to be
and I knew I would and knew I wouldn't.
Well, I think looking back that I probably shouldn't
have tried to pull off all the things that I did;
Not that it wasn't worth while, but what happened to that kid
who used to give a damn about simple rank and authority
and followed the rules just to respect seniority;
My friend said I'm a rebel, always fighting the establishment,
I told him he was wrong, I couldn't ask a girl out for refreshments
so he offered to take the hit, and I let him
and when he backed out too, I laughed at him and bet him
that we'd never find our way to make a way out on our own
when we wouldn't break the rules even so far away from home.
But the truth I couldn't tell him, because I couldn't
part of me thinks, I wouldn't
put it into words that he could understand
that he wouldn't misinterpret, wouldn't sink into the sand
I stood on as they kept on walking, and slowly passed us by
but I knew the rules didn't matter to me, I held back just cuz I
couldn't take the pressure, was a coward from the start
but these things I do get over, and when the fear leaves my heart
there's nothing there to replace it, I can't turn around and face it
making real for a second what I know I would've done
talking doesn't bother me but honest to God I'm seventeen
locked up in my house all day with this city chaining me
I know in other places there are outlets for these things
other people test the edges so they won't go out and fling
but I'm here, still unclear,
because what bothers me far more
is not that I'd do wrong given the choice
I trust myself and what I stand for
but when they lock me in, steal my voice
I don't hold myself back, but instead declare war
what I didn't want before I come to ruthlessly pursue
as it takes on more importance than it could naturally acrue
but then the facts are waiting for me
like a sledgehammer to the face
and I know the opportunity I'll miss if I should wait
so what's left in this, a character flaw?
I don't think, as such, I buy it
but when pressured to prove myself to myself, I wonder...
should I try it?
seriously if you're PT don't even bother to try answering that in a comment. please.